The Triple S
Male grooming consists of several different categories: cleaning, shaving (balls mostly… face if you must… never anything else), grooming, scent, manscaping, etc. Things were easier back in the day when you could just shower once a week and your natural manly musk drove wenches wild and was enough to show you were indeed a man, however; modern women don’t seem to be pleased with a man’s natural scent anymore (weird, I know). They want a dude to actually be clean and not smell like week old sweat. That said, your time spent grooming should be about 1/10 of theirs. You aren’t trying to win Miss America, gentleman. You need to still retain your masculinity. I figured a good way to write this would be to go through many men’s routines chronologically. The Triple S (Shit, Shave, Shower) is the only routine you need. As I don’t imagine we need to cover how to take a dump (although if that’s something you’d like to see an article on let us know and we’d be happy to guide you through it… we’re experts), we can probably jump right to shaving.
First things first, you need to figure out what you’re going to be shaving with. There are many options available to you: disposable razors, safety razors, straight razors, a lid from an old tin can, your pocket knife, etc. Basically you want to find a balance between sharpness and dangerousness for your manliest shave. I prefer the straight razor (for my face only… not ideal for other areas).
Next you’ll need to find a manly shaving cream. There are plenty available online:
Rocky Top Soap’s Shavin’ Soap is a fine unscented soap designed specifically for shaving. It has a bunch of fancy oils in it as well as something called bentonite clay.
Portland General Store sells some awesome products to help you as well. Products such as Alpine Shave Jelly, Racer Shave Cream and Whiskey Shave Soap should get you the shave you want in addition to keeping you smelling like a man.
I wouldn’t worry too much about after-shave. It’s nice, but unnecessary. Originally after-shave was just used to disinfect after you got a shave at your barber. Since you are most likely the only one using your razor, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Still if you insist on using it, grab something like this.
For manscaping, I would recommend the disposable razor for obvious reasons. The method you use is personal preference, however; Gillette produced an excellent how-to video that should help:
Also check out Fresh Balls if you get the old “Bat Wing” effect from the smooth sack.
This is how you get all that manly grime off your man-skin. Turpentine and steel wool should do the trick but if you do insist on using sissy store-bought skin-safe products, then I guess you have a few options. I would, again, recommend getting something like Rocky Top’s Manly Man Soap Set as they are unscented, allowing your manly aroma to come through. They also contain ingredients to help scrub your filthy skin clean, including activated charcoal, cornmeal and coffee grounds. If you prefer a scented soap, however; there is always manly scents such as bacon or liquor.
Cologne is where you can begin to tell the real men from the pansies. It’s not technically a part of the Triple S, but it is worth mentioning and can pretty much be summed up in a sentence:
Do NOT wear Axe/Tag/Etc. body sprays!
This applies double if you are over the age of 14. These do not smell good! They smell like cheap crap and basically tell others that you are a failure.
Instead, wear something that smells manly. Campfire scented cologne should do the trick or take a peak at the colognes from the Portland General Store for some saltwater, moss or tobacco scents. Doing a shot of whiskey and smoking a cigar brings similar manly results